I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
