Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
