Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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