my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
