My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
