I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
