smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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