just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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