why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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