some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
