Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
