Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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