I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
