I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
