im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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