She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
