I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Your cock deserves a montage
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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