What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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