too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
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