Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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