so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
