Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
