Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
