If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
