yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
