I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
