Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize