We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
you had me at cake vodka
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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