can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
