last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Randomize
