went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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