You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
