Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
