Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I need moral support for this bender
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
