Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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