Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
