I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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