he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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