Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
