oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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