I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
