Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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