I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
