i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
