Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
