opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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