i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
