i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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