planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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