my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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