Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize