When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
