and you said cock pushups were impossible
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
17 year olds will be the death of me.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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