this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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