i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
