i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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