I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Just puked most of my soul out..
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
