I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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