you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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