He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
