I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
