What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Randomize
