Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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