I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
