i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
